Imposter Syndrome: Get behind me, foul fiend!

As I was preparing for this blog post, I was met with an incredible irony. Whenever I choose a theme for the week, I sometimes base it on my own recent experiences, because I feel that sharing my personal successes and failures with you brings the most authenticity to my content. It also puts me in the best possible mindset to be able to speak my truth to you, in the hope that you will find it useful. I spent some time thinking about and researching Impostor Syndrome because I had referred to it last week among various things that can get us “stuck” and prevent us from moving forward.

I had to laugh at myself because the more I thought about it, the more I began to experience Impostor Syndrome myself around my ability to explore the subject itself with you. Just imagine it: Impostor Syndrome about Impostor Syndrome! Even funnier, I began to prepare this post using dictation and discovered that there is even inconsistency in the spelling of the word impostor. Apparently both impostor and imposter are correct, but I had to Google it just in case because I didn't want you to think I'm stupid. So for the sheer sake of humour, I will interchange the spelling throughout the rest of this post.

So here is a sample of my inner dialogue as I researched Imposter Syndrome: How dare I introduce such a common coaching subject, when so many experts, coaches, psychotherapists and others have already exhaustively explored the subject and published their findings all over the Internet? A simple Google search will give you plenty of information. So what do I have to add?

Well for starters, the fact that Impostor Syndrome is so prevalent means that our shared experience can hopefully help one another. Plus, I've already done some of the research for you, so why not put it to good use and if you want to explore further, you can follow the links.

So what is it exactly? Imposter Syndrome is this fear, sometimes lingering in the back of your mind, that any success you have achieved is not actually due to your own merit or hard work, but is the result of good luck or fortunate timing. You feel that deep down, you’re actually a fraud and someday, everyone is going to “find out.”

This is a limiting (or false) belief that stops so many people in their tracks. When we think we don’t deserve success or recognition for our achievements, it also can stop us from taking steps forward. For example, if my friend Mary doesn’t believe she deserves her senior management position at work, she might be too afraid to put herself forward for the next promotion or the next pay rise. So then the world misses out on all the amazing talent that Mary has to offer, because her fear has stopped her from stepping into her greatness.

Imposter Syndrome can also be an “emotional allergy” where we do everything we can to avoid situations where we might feel shame, and this again stops us from trying new things or taking risks. It can also become triggered when we do put ourselves out there or try something new.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that we as women probably already know exactly why this phenomenon seems to affect high-achieving women at higher rates than perhaps men. We’re already socialised to diminish ourselves, and we have to then spend much of the rest of our lives fighting against this. But if you want to look at more empirical evidence, check out this article the BBC published in July 2020:

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200724-why-imposter-syndrome-hits-women-and-women-of-colour-harder

If you've been following my work for any length of time, you know that I'm a big fan of psychology. I'm not a licenced psychotherapist myself, but I love the study of the subject and my field of social work runs right alongside it. Impostor syndrome is not an officially recognised disorder that you could find in the DSM-5 (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is used by psychologists to diagnose the full range of mental health challenges that humans face, now in its 5th edition).

Here is what I found on Very Well Mind: https://www.verywellmind.com/imposter-syndrome-and-social-anxiety-disorder-4156469#what-is-imposter-syndrome: (direct quotes italicized)

The term was first coined by Susanna Imes and Pauline Rose- Clance back in the 1970s. At first, it was thought to apply mostly to high achieving women. However, now we can see that a wide range of people can experience Imposter Syndrome.

Some of the common signs of imposter syndrome include:

• Self-doubt

• An inability to realistically assess your competence and skills

• Attributing your success to external factors

• Berating your performance

• Fear that you won't live up to expectations

• Overachieving

• Sabotaging your own success

• Setting very challenging goals and feeling disappointed when you fall short

This fear of not living up to expectations can help motivate some people to achieve great things, but unfortunately it comes at the terrible cost of constant anxiety. Do you ever over-prepare or work much harder than you actually need to, just to “make sure” no one finds out you're a fraud? Thanks to this insidious Impostor Syndrome, this can lead to a vicious cycle where you think to yourself that the only reason you survived a particular challenge is because you stayed up all night over-preparing.

Annoyingly, going on to do something well, to succeed, does not change your internal belief about yourself. Imposter Syndrome prevents us from internalizing our experiences of success, because it is a limiting belief blocking our way. No amount of success can change our minds if we truly believe something along the lines of ‘it must be luck because an incompetent person like me just does not belong.’

If left unchecked, this can lead to increased anxiety and depression. It certainly tends to overlap with social anxiety. Many people who experience this suffer in silence, as they might be afraid to talk to anyone about how they are feeling. If this is the case for you, I would recommend that you speak to a qualified therapist who will be more than willing to help you.

Here are some additional questions you can ask yourself to determine if Imposter Syndrome has started to creep into your life (from Very Well Mind):

· Do you agonize over even the smallest mistakes or flaws in your work?

· Do you attribute your success to luck or outside factors?

· Are you very sensitive to even constructive criticism?

· Do you feel like you will inevitably be found out as a phony?

· Do you downplay your own expertise, even in areas where you are genuinely more skilled than others?

Oh no. Apparently my research has reminded me that I have not yet overcome my own Imposter Syndrome. I can easily answer ‘yes’ to many of the above questions, although certainly my struggle has improved and my ‘yes’ would be more of a ‘sometimes, yes.’ Otherwise, my live videos on Instagram would never be created. Thanks for that, Very Well Mind. It’s a good reminder that I still have plenty of work to do.

What causes Imposter Syndrome? Like any common issue, it can be a number of factors. Those who grew up in families that placed a high value on achievement or had parents who gave a combination of praise and criticism might later experience Impostor Syndrome. Anyone can be triggered into Imposter Syndrome when entering a new situation, such as starting a new job, new university course or meeting a group of people for the first time.

I found two sources (Very Well Mind and The Muse; links below) which refer to Dr Valerie Young’s book, The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer From the Imposter Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It. Crown Business; 2011. Dr Young describes five different types of Imposter Syndrome:

The Perfectionist: Perfectionists are never satisfied and always feel that their work could be better. Rather than focus on their strengths, they tend to fixate on any flaws or mistakes. This often leads to a great deal of self-pressure and high amounts of anxiety.

· Have you ever been accused of being a micromanager?

· Do you have great difficulty delegating? Even when you’re able to do so, do you feel frustrated and disappointed in the results?

· When you miss the (insanely high) mark on something, do you accuse yourself of “not being cut out” for your job and ruminate on it for days?

· Do you feel like your work must be 100% perfect, 100% of the time?

The Superwoman: Because these individuals feel inadequate, they feel compelled to push themselves to work as hard as possible.

· Do you stay later at the office than the rest of your team, even past the point that you’ve completed that day’s necessary work?

· Do you get stressed when you’re not working and find downtime completely wasteful?

· Have you left your hobbies and passions fall by the wayside, sacrificed to work?

· Do you feel like you haven’t truly earned your title (despite numerous degrees and achievements), so you feel pressed to work harder and longer than those around you to prove your worth?

The Expert: These individuals are always trying to learn more and are never satisfied with their level of understanding. Even though they are often highly skilled, they underrate their own expertise.

· Do you shy away from applying to job postings unless you meet every single educational requirement?

· Are you constantly seeking out trainings or certifications because you think you need to improve your skills in order to succeed?

· Even if you’ve been in your role for some time, can you relate to feeling like you still don’t know “enough?”

· Do you shudder when someone says you’re an expert?

The Natural Genius: These individuals set excessively lofty goals for themselves, and then feel crushed when they don't succeed on their first try.

· Are you used to excelling without much effort?

· Do you have a track record of getting “straight A’s” or “gold stars” in everything you do?

· Were you told frequently as a child that you were the “smart one” in your family or peer group?

· Do you dislike the idea of having a mentor, because you can handle things on your own?

· When you’re faced with a setback, does your confidence tumble because not performing well provokes a feeling of shame?

· Do you often avoid challenges because it’s so uncomfortable to try something you’re not great at?

The Soloist: These people tend to be very individualistic and prefer to work alone. Self-worth often stems from their productivity, so they often reject offers of assistance. They tend to see asking for help as a sign of weakness or incompetence.

· Do you firmly feel that you need to accomplish things on your own?

· “I don’t need anyone’s help.” Does that sound like you?

· Do you frame requests in terms of the requirements of the project, rather than your needs as a person?

Both sources include more links which I have also included, in case you want to read further on perfectionism, delegating and mentorship. I’ve then added the questions from https://www.themuse.com/advice/5-different-types-of-imposter-syndrome-and-5-ways-to-battle-each-one in bold that you can ask yourself to decide which, if any, of these types apply to you.

My struggle most certainly includes the perfectionist and a bit of the soloist. I grew up in a household where my emotional needs were not met, and I had a lot of criticism from one of my parents who is mentally ill due to their own childhood trauma. Either because of that or in combination with that (we’ll never know which, I suppose), I developed a personality of a Highly Sensitive Person, or empath. I’m a classic INFJ on the Myers-Briggs, a personality type that apparently exists in only about 1% of the population. I’m fully aware that my perfectionism stems from insecurities which go all the way back to my challenging childhood. Thankfully, I have been able to have support from some pretty smart people over the years, as well as some sort of internal motivation to try and work on it, and I know for sure that I’m healing in those areas.

You may ask, “how do I know?” Good question. I know because I can more easily let things go, whether it’s some unsolicited criticism from someone whose opinion I don’t care about, or completing a piece of work and submitting it even if I’m aware it’s not 100% perfect. I can genuinely say, although not all the time, that “done is better than perfect.”

Somehow in my aged wisdom, I stress far less about what other people think about me. I think that can be a common thing with getting older, because I’ve heard it from so many 30/40/50-something women. It’s glorious. But major setbacks and criticism from people I do care about will set me back and shut me down for a little while. I’ve learned to live with that part of myself and in those moments, try to focus on self-care and self-love until the feeling dissipates. And believe it or not, it works most of the time.

Once we have come to the realisation that we might be impacted by Imposter Syndrome, we can start to do something about it. It’s going to involve challenging those internal limiting beliefs. The folks at Very Well Mind have shared this handy list of tips, and I’ve kept in their other links:

https://www.verywellmind.com/imposter-syndrome-and-social-anxiety-disorder-4156469#what-is-imposter-syndrome (Direct quotes from Very Well Mind in italics below)

Share your feelings. Talk to other people about how you are feeling. These irrational beliefs tend to fester when they are hidden and not talked about.

Reach out to your support network! The people who care about you will waste no time

in building you up when they know you’re ruminating on your perceived failures. They

will remind you of exactly how awesome you are.

Focus on others. While this might feel counterintuitive, try to help others in the same situation as you. If you see someone who seems awkward or alone, ask that person a question to bring them into the group. As you practice your skills, you will build confidence in your own abilities.

This is also a good place to remind yourself that others will miss out on your gifts and

talents when you allow fear to prevent you from stepping into your calling. If not for

yourself, then do it for them! The world needs you!

Assess your abilities. If you have long-held beliefs about your incompetence in social and performance situations, make a realistic assessment of your abilities. Write down your accomplishments and what you are good at, and compare that with your self-assessment.

I would add to this a tip from Dr Joanna Martin of One of Many®. Keep an ‘I Rock’ file

which is evidence of all the awesome things you have done. It could be awards, thank-

you notes, rave reviews, etc. Pull it out when you feel that Impostor getting the best of

you.

Take baby steps. Don't focus on doing things perfectly, but rather, do things reasonably well and reward yourself for taking action. For example, in a group conversation, offer an opinion or share a story about yourself.

In coaching, we are all about celebrating our wins, no matter how big or small. These

small steps also help us to keep from becoming overwhelming by having “too much” to

take on.

Question your thoughts. As you start to assess your abilities and take baby steps, question whether your thoughts are rational. Does it make sense that you are a fraud, given everything that you know?

This is a good place to remind ourselves that just because we have a thought, does not

mean it is true. Thoughts are just thoughts, they come and they go.

Stop comparing. Every time you compare yourself to others in a social situation, you will find some fault with yourself that fuels the feeling of not being good enough or not belonging. Instead, during conversations, focus on listening to what the other person is saying. Be genuinely interested in learning more.

This also applies to not comparing yourself to the impossible, ideal standard of yourself

that you hold up, not just with others who you perceive have their lives more “together”

than you do. Pro tip: everyone is just as clueless and insecure as you think you are, some

people are just better at masking it than others!

Use social media moderately. We know that the overuse of social media may be related to feelings of inferiority. If you try to portray an image on social media that doesn't match who you really are or that is impossible to achieve, it will only make your feelings of being a fraud worse.

We’ll have a separate discussion about living our lives in line with our own personal

values, and how to go about discovering what those values are. But for now, it’s

important to remember that living out of alignment with our values and our true selves will inevitably cause us to feel unhappy or unsatisfied.

Stop fighting your feelings. Don't fight the feelings of not belonging. Instead, try to lean into them and accept them. It's only when you acknowledge them that you can start to unravel those core beliefs that are holding you back.

This is true for any uncomfortable emotions that we experience, as we discussed in last

week’s blog post on Emotional Hygiene. It can feel scary and even overwhelming to feel

our feelings rather than just suppress and avoid them. But I can promise you from

experience that it is worth the hard work of doing it. You will save yourself a lot of time

and pain.

Refuse to let it hold you back. No matter how much you feel like you don't belong, don't let that stop you from pursuing your goals. Keep going and refuse to be stopped.

In the words of our beloved Glennon Doyle, “We can do hard things!”

In my individual and group coaching, we also use a guided meditation release process to help shift limiting beliefs. It’s really useful once you’ve identified a limiting belief that’s been holding you back.

It’s worth considering what opportunities you’re not stepping into because of fear or shame. How are you stopping being of service to others? Are you not putting yourself out there because you don’t want to be found out? This could be in your role as a parent, in business, relationships or any other arena. Identify this and claim it, then do the hard thing anyway. What could you be doing if your Imposter Syndrome wasn’t holding you back?

Finally, let me leave you with this: many famous celebrities and other accomplished people in various fields have experienced Imposter Syndrome at one point or another. From Maya Angelou and Einstein to Jodie Foster and Meryl Streep, they have all been honest about it in interviews and/or in their writing.

I love this quote from Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead:

When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make. Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience.

If you have read this and identified that you might have a form of Imposter Syndrome holding you back and you’d like some support with this, I would love to work with you. Get in touch to set up a discovery call, and we’ll find out if coaching with me is right for you.

Love,

Christine El Issa

Mosaic Coaching Ltd