What's next? How the Lover PowerType™ can help us through these uncertain times.

Last week, I introduced you to the five PowerTypes™ we use at One of Many®. We looked at how the Mother™ can help us by looking after others and building relationships. This week, we return to explore our own self-care through the Lover PowerType™. Here is a brief summary of the Lover, developed by One of Many®:

The Lover is characterised not just by her sexuality and sensuality, but by her enjoyment of all emotions and a love of life itself. She is the source of life and creativity. She relishes in exploring the world through her five senses and delights in giving and receiving pleasure.

Characteristics

· Sensual and sexual

· Seductive and captivating

· Inviting and magnetic

· Brings ambiance and beauty

· Gives life force and vitality

· Source of creativity and inspiration

· Relishes giving and receiving pleasure

· Delights in emotions and feelings

· Centre of self-care

· Practises devoted listening

· Enjoys feeling special

· Wants to merge energies

· Not great at boundaries

She inspires in others:

· Aliveness

· Love and romance

· Arousal

· Surrender to ecstasy

· Generosity

· Loving protection

· Creativity

People go to her for:

· Connection with life energy

· Giving and receiving love and pleasure

· To be known

· To be open

· Men: to feel masculine

In leadership, the Lover works through invitation and appreciation. She is captivating and magnetic. Her enticing invitations hold the promise of a rich experience and she's easily able to bring others on board with her. With her generosity, she showers her team with gifts, appreciation and experiences that delight the senses. People follow her because they love her.

To be clear, she's not a ‘sex kitten’ who uses her body to get what she wants. Think of her as the person who, whilst cooking, says “Come here and taste this sauce, it's delicious!” or, “Look at the colours in that sunset!” She delights in all of the senses and enjoys encouraging others to do the same so that they can share in her delight.

As with any of the PowerTypes™, we can experience times in our lives when we are out of balance. We call this over-expression or under-expression. An overexpressed Lover can become addicted to the pursuit and experience of pleasure or love. Sometimes she wanders the earth, whether figuratively or literally, always searching for that one person, place or experience that will make her feel truly alive. She easily falls in love with everyone she meets and wallows in deep despair when she's alone. She might become obsessed with objects of desire, whether people, activities or experiences, to the point of ruin. In extreme examples, this might include addiction of any type--this is an attempt to meet needs which is ineffective.

Conversely, the under-expressed Lover might experience a lack of self-care and self-love. This is at the root cause of many cases of burnout. She might experience life as grey and monotone. She might even suffer from depression, with nothing bringing her joy. She can be laden with rules and discipline. She can have a low libido leading to her intimate relationships breaking down.

Do either of these expressions of the Lover PowerType™ ring true for you? How do you tend to experience emotions? How robust is your self care? Is this the same now as it was before Covid, or is it different?

If you relate to the over-expressed Lover, it's possible that you could do with some more robust boundaries in your life. The Queen PowerType™ is often the most useful for setting boundaries without guilt. We’ll explore this another week.

If you relate to the under-expressed Lover, as so many women that I work with do, and especially if you have children or others you are caring for, here are some exercises to help you access your Lover. These are directly from the brilliant minds at One of Many®.

Embodiment

First things first: get into your body. Stand up, with your eyes closed if it helps. Move your body in whatever way makes sense to you in order to embody this archetype. Listen to some romantic or sensual music. How does the Lover stand? She is likely to be confident, inviting and open. She is tender with herself because she loves herself inside and out. She is playful as she delights in all the senses and wants to share them with others. She enjoys all emotions without being afraid of becoming overwhelmed by them. If the sexual side feels like too much, think of the delights of the senses: art, music, or a delicious meal. What is she likely to be wearing? Think of lovely, soft textures like silk and cotton. What colours help you to picture her?

Love your body

This activity is so simple, yet can be so profound. Simply take some time for yourself such as after a shower or bath, and become more mindful as you moisturise your skin. Rather than simply slapping it on and rushing to the next task, take the time to gently caress your body. Choose a lotion that is particularly luxurious for you, and spend an extra three to five minutes slowly applying it to your body with tenderness and care. It's a fantastic way to learn to be more loving to your own body, caressing each part very slowly, with gratitude and without judgment or criticism, and enjoying the simple pleasure of the sensation, accepting all that you are. Think about how amazing your body is--it does so many things on its own without you having to direct it.

It might take some time, especially if you haven't brought mindfulness to this before, for this activity to feel like a celebration of yourself and your body. It's so important to love yourself first and foremost. When you constantly criticise yourself, whether your personality, your actions or your body, you can start to criticise everything in your life and in others, too. This is a simple way to begin to heal this area.

This type of activity is so important if you are experiencing burnout or if you're concerned that you might be on your way there. The first way to begin to address burnout is self-care and the Lover is the PowerType™ that will get you there. Can you imagine how it will be when you're able to walk through life with complete confidence, truly knowing just how beautiful your body is?

A special note to anyone who has experienced sexual trauma: I recognise that this activity might feel challenging, but please don’t shy away from it. Loving yourself is a safe thing to do. If a full body creaming feels like too much, try it in much smaller steps such as just focusing on your hands.

I’m no stranger to poor body image. I’ve been overweight most of my adult life and like you, have grown up with the entrenched message that this means I’m less important or less desirable because I don’t meet a certain Euro-centric standard of beauty. I can tell you from experience that working to enhance your Lover PowerType™ will do wonders for your overall self-esteem and especially for your body image.

Flirting

Don't worry, this isn't as scary as it sounds! First, recognise that when we're feeling exhausted or depleted, the last thing that we're going to feel like doing is flirting. But when we nourish that amazing Lover archetype in us, the possibility of sharing our juicy, sensual energy with everyone becomes available.

This isn't just with our intimate partners, but it's a great place to start if you have one. When was the last time you beckoned your partner with your eyes over house chores like the dishes or the ironing? Give that a go and see what happens.

If you're feeling brave, share that juicy energy far and wide. It's not about getting a date or manipulating people to do something they don't want to do . It's simply about sharing that life force energy with the world.

Go out in the world and pick a safe environment to have a practise.

Notice how it makes you feel when you enjoy your senses. Your steaming cup of coffee, walking outside on a beautiful day, the sound of children laughing, or the warmth of wrapping up in a blanket cuddling up with a loved one.

A sensual bedroom

What does your bedroom say about its use? Is it about silk sheets or work? Is it cluttered?

Choose any room in your house, but your bedroom is a good place to start. Spend an hour de-cluttering the mess. Remove anything that doesn't lend itself to either of the bedroom’s two major purposes: sleeping and pleasure. If your working from home space is in your bedroom, invest in a small screen so that you can't see the undone work tasks when you're not in work mode.

Take some time to bring lovely decorative touches that bring the room to life in a sensual way for you. It's amazing the transformation that you can achieve with a few candles or a lovely throw, a salt lamp or some pretty cushions. What can you do to bring some lovely sensuality into the room?

Beautify a space

Similar to the exercise above, bring a different room to mind in your home that could use some love. Invest time in some little touches that can make it come to life. It's amazing what we can achieve by hanging those pictures we meant to hang for years, changing the cushion colours, or replacing a broken light bulb. Bring a little love to an unloved space and notice how it shifts your energy.

Get ready for Christmas or other holidays early!

Another activity that's particularly relevant to this time of year, and in this dumpster-fire-of-a-year that is 2020, is decorating for the holidays early. How much have you already discussed this with your friends? Considering that we're not going to be visiting Santa’s grotto, travelling or doing many of the other activities outside of home that we would normally do during the holiday season, why not find a special way to countdown the days to Christmas?

Whether or not you have children, engaging in something lovely and joyous is sure to help brighten your spirits. The Lover is the best PowerType™ to be in when we're doing some fabulous holiday decorating, cooking, baking and gift buying. Bring a little love and kindness with generous homemade gifts for others. (Tin of homemade biscuits? Yes, please!)

This year, I've decided to splurge a little by purchasing some extra-special advent calendars which we normally wouldn't buy. My little one and I are massive Harry Potter fans, and we're going all out with the decorations this year. We're really excited to turn our living room into Hogwarts and to spend lots of good quality time making memories, homemade decorations and doing some baking to share with others.

Now that you have some idea of who the Lover PowerType™ is and how you can enhance her in your life, let's look at how her characteristics can help us in these challenging times:

1. Self care, self care, self care!

Understand your basic needs and commit to meeting them every day. Get enough sleep, drink water, and eat nourishing food. Notice when you might need a little bit of extra love and care the same way you do for the people you love when you observe that they are not okay.

2. Mindful self-talk.

Begin to notice when your thoughts about yourself turn negative or critical. It might be your Inner Critic nagging you, and we'll explore this on its own another week. But for now, just start to notice when this happens. What is the context? Did you make a silly mistake? Did you just receive negative feedback from someone else? Was someone unkind to you? Are you just not in a great mood? Next week, we'll take that noticing and begin to do some more work around the Inner Critic.

3. Recognise when you need to unplug.

Right now, we are inundated with worrying news across our social media platforms and news outlets. Recognise when you’ve spent enough time reading or listening to the news and shift your energy to a different activity. Even better: restrict this activity from the outset before you start scrolling. This does fall under self- care in general, but I think in the current climate, it's worth mentioning all on its own. While we might need some reassurance through staying up- to-date on what's happening in our world, it's also important to be mindfully present to our own lives and the people who love us.

You might have noticed how the Lover and Mother PowerTypes™ have a few things in common. They are both great at devoted listening, and giving generously to others. So why is it that so many of my clients have a high access to the Mother, but tend to struggle with accessing the Lover? Before I starting using the One of Many® tools myself, I was in the same boat. The simple answer is that the Mother has no problem looking after others, while the Lover gives generously to both others AND to herself. We have all been raised in a male-centred, capitalist paradigm in which women are always taught to come last, and I believe this is a huge contributing factor to this struggle.

I came across an interesting quote on Instagram by @therapywithlee (psychotherapist and writer, Lee McKay Doe, MBACP. I’ve just discovered Lee and just love her visual lists. Do give her a follow if you haven’t already). It states:

INTERNALISED CAPITALISM LOOKS LIKE

· Feeling guilty for resting.

· Your self-worth is largely based on doing well in your career.

· Placing productivity before health.

· Believing that hard work = happiness.

· Feeling lazy, even when you’re experiencing pain, trauma or adversity.

· Using busyness as a way to avoid your needs.

I recognise this is especially true for the extreme imbalance of work and home life seen in my home country of America. But it’s so pervasive, you can see examples nearly anywhere.

So today, I’m inviting you to give yourself permission. Permission to:

· Rest and replenish without guilt or judgment.

· Recognise that you are worth loving, just as you are.

· Listen to your body and make sure your needs are met.

· Recognise that your happiness is not dependent on your successes, but rather on your inner peace and in finding your purpose in life.

I’m still far from an expert on these issues, and I still have a long way to go regarding my own self-care and self-love. But doing some of these simple activities and nourishing my Lover PowerType™ has created such a profound shift, that I know I’m on the right track. I so desperately want this for you, too, because I know it’s a struggle that is far too common in our world today. Imagine what could happen if every woman on earth prioritised her own self-care—what kind of impact could women with resources make for everyone?

I’d love to hear your self-care ideas in the comments. What other activities can you think of to nourish your Lover PowerType™? What have you noticed when you focused on yourself in this way?

Love,

Christine El Issa