What’s Next? How your Inner Critic can help or hinder in these challenging times

Last week when I introduced you to the Lover PowerType™, I mentioned the power of self-care and mindful self-talk. This week, we’re going to take a brief break from the PowerTypes™ and look deeper at the Inner Critic to build upon this idea of mindful self-talk.

The Inner Critic is that pesky little pixie that shows up to remind you how rubbish you are any time you make a mistake. We’ve all got one, and depending on your personality, what brings her out can vary. Maybe it’s when you look in the mirror and remember how much older or fatter you’re getting. Maybe it’s when you visit someone else’s home and you notice how much nicer it is. Or when you see someone’s posts online and think about how much better their life is than yours.

Look at you. Look at the state of you. You're hopeless. Anyone else would have conquered this weight issue by now. You said you would do better, but look! Once again, you've let us down. You're terrible with money and that's why her house is so much nicer than yours. Look at how proactive they are with their kids, look at all the fun activities they do—why can’t you get yourself organised so that you can do that for your kids, too?

The Inner Critic can definitely trip us up. And the more we ignore her, the louder she becomes! We cannot outwit or out-think her. But we can manage her.

• She can contribute to our state of overwhelm.

• She can shut us down, and stop us from taking any risks or being vulnerable.

• She can wear us down; too much of her voice can become very tiresome.

She seems to carry around this picture of the ‘perfect woman’ and measures everyone against this. Of course, we never measure up--and neither does anyone else!

It's important to understand that the Inner Critic is only a small part of who we are. We each have a range of sub-personalities within us.

Believe it or not, this little pixie can have good intentions and she can even be helpful.

• She jumps into criticise us before someone else has a chance, thus sparing us the embarrassment.

• She tries to protect us from rejection and hurt by keeping us from trying in the first place.

• Her constant striving for perfection can keep us from becoming complacent.

• She knows the difference between good ideas and great ideas, so if something is not of a really high standard, she lets us know about it and can help us to do better.

While we each have an Inner Critic, the individual motivation of yours might be a little bit different to that of someone else. She might be protecting you from rejection, criticism or hurt; or she might be pushing you to be your best.

Although she does have good intentions, she goes about it in a harsh way. This is the part we need to deal with. We do this by making friends with her and showing her that she does not run our lives. It's key to remember that she'll never go away completely, and we don't necessarily want her to—as long as we can quieten her harshness. So we’re going to befriend her, not try to silence her.

There are a few steps we can take in order to begin to manage our Inner Critic. First, rather than react or respond when she turns up in the moment, begin to get curious about that little pixie. Where does she tend to show up in your life? When is she particularly aggressive toward you? Is it when you’re clothes shopping? Is it in a large group setting and you want to raise your hand to participate? Is it when you're dealing with challenging behaviour in your children? Is it when you've made a mistake? Is it when you’ve lost or forgotten something?

Once you begin to notice when your Inner Critic shows up in your life, you can be prepared in advance for these situations. When I began to do this work on myself, I noticed that I was initially feeling anxious that my Inner Critic was so powerful, so entrenched and so ingrained into my being that she would whisper negative things to me without me even realising it. And if missed it, then I wouldn't be able to successfully deal with it! It was almost like my pixie had an ‘Inner Critic’ of her own, and I was anxious about doing the work ‘correctly.’ I was also angry and heavily resentful at the fact that she even existed in the first place. I wanted to fight her and destroy her. I thought the idea of becoming ‘friends’ with her was ludicrous. Why would I ever want to be friends with this nasty voice? She can piss right off!

I also noticed that for some of us who may have not had the most positive childhood experiences, there could be some additional baggage attached to our Inner Critic which needs unpicking. If you had a parent, older sibling, grandparent, aunt, uncle or any other important influence in your life who was particularly critical, it's possible that your Inner Critic and the remnants of that old voice might be intertwined. This can sometimes be the reason why some people have a much louder Inner Critic than others. Only you know what’s true for you. If your parents or carers did not look after your emotional needs in childhood, it’s important to know when to seek professional help from a trained therapist who can help you unpack this. It will help you to give less power to that voice once you know where it’s coming from. I was fortunate enough to have the resources to do this earlier in my adulthood, and this prepared me for the work that was to come later on.

So how do we go about becoming more aware of when it's our Inner Critic speaking and not ourselves?

1. Mindfulness: given that this practice is all the rage right now--and rightly so--there is no shortage of mindfulness resources that you can find for free online. Find what works for you and make it a regular practice, not just something you do when you’re beginning to feel stressed. It’s all about being in the moment, focusing on our senses and not worrying about yesterday or tomorrow.

2. Morning Pages (Journaling): at One of Many®, this is one of our foundational habits of connection. While journaling can take many forms and serve a variety of purposes, the morning practice is all about a stream of consciousness, fast writing exercise. We suggest using an A4 notebook (that’s 8 1/2” x 11” for those of you in the US) and fill 3 pages without stopping. It shouldn’t take you more than 20-30 minutes, so if it does, you’re probably pausing too much. If you don’t have a thought to capture, just write ‘I don’t know what to write’ until the next thought comes. It can be a way to capture your dreams if you’re able to do them right as you wake. Do begin as close to waking as possible. It can also help you to note important ideas which come into your mind. But most importantly, it helps you to dump any other remnants of stress and gives you a fantastic start to your day. The best benefit of this comes from a regular practice as it will help you to hone your mindfulness skills. If you wish to save them for reading later, don’t read anything newer than 8 weeks; leave it and come back only after those 8 weeks have passed.

Once you’re becoming more aware of your Inner Critic, it can help to give her a silly name, a silly voice and a silly persona as if she were a cartoon character. Think of a tiny little pixie with a high, squeaky voice, or a sock puppet. Mine is called Disappointed Diane and she looks like a cartoon librarian with reading glasses on a chain, sliding down to the end of her nose. She takes everything waaaay too seriously!

If yours is particularly strong, make a physical representation like a sock puppet. It can help in the next steps:

1. Catch yourself and identify that it’s your Inner Critic. Then notice, before you deal with her, that she just spent some time bullying your Inner Child. That little child has just taken a verbal assault, and requires your attention first.

2. Step into your Mother PowerType™, and act as a parent to that little child inside. Send her loads of love, comfort and reassurance. I’ve got you. Everything’s okay. You’re safe now.

3. Step into your Queen PowerType™ (more on her next week) and have a chat with your Inner Critic. Literally speak to the sock puppet if you’ve made one. Picture the ancient times, when subjects from around a kingdom would come before the Queen to petition for assistance for a problem. The Queen listens intently and gives wisdom along with action to take care of the problem, where possible. From Queen, ask your Inner Critic 2 important questions:

• What are you so worried about? Tell me about it. Then, allow your Inner Critic (even in it’s silly, sock-puppet voice) to answer. Once she’s done off-loading, ask:

• Why does all this worry you so much? Again, allow her to answer. It will begin to show those deep vulnerabilities and the good intentions behind the nagging. From Queen, send gratitude to the Inner Critic for that good intention. This will really help the Inner Critic to calm down, as she’s felt heard.

Once you’ve come through these steps and have gotten to know your Inner Critic a bit more, recognising her triggers and concerns, you can then add from your Queen PowerType™ some boundaries. Thank you for being so concerned about this. However, it’s not okay to talk to me like that. I’ve got this now, thank you for bringing it to my attention. You can stop now.

Look to develop a friendly relationship with your Inner Critic where you view her as helpful (even though you know she’s going about it in a wrong way). The more love you give to her and the more you give ear to her concerns, the less she will nag and criticise you. It might seem counter-intuitive but trust me, it works! She won’t disappear altogether, but you can keep her placated so that she doesn’t stop you in your tracks.

This practice will then give more voice to your own positive self-talk so that you can champion yourself and step into the leadership calling you were always meant to.

How loud is your Inner Critic? Let me know in the comments and tell me about your caricature of her--the silly name and what she looks like. How did you get on when you tried the steps?

Love,

Christine El Issa