Stuck in a rut? Understanding disempowerment

I don't know about you, but the last few weeks in particular have felt like a bit of a whirlwind. I had been looking forward to a lovely Christmas at home with my little one, and also celebrating the end of 2020. It's now the 19th of January--what on earth has happened?

Don't get me wrong, we had a lovely holiday at home and to be honest, it was not very different for us because we don't have family in the UK and therefore did not have any travelling to cancel. We're fortunate--sort of--albeit isolated. But then schools closed again and like so many other parents around the UK, I was back to trying to promote my daughter's learning at home. So it's started to feel a little bit like the first lockdown, where we spend 99% of our time at home while I try to work and keep her busy. The apathy and even laziness are starting to creep back in. The intense isolation.

And since it's winter, I really want to do nothing apart from hibernate beneath my snuggly duvet. Do you relate?

So I've found it very hard to keep myself motivated, let alone promote an enriching environment for my daughter. It feels like life is on hold again. I've found it a challenge to find inspiration to create lovely content for you, because I have not been walking my talk. I'm not looking after myself properly, but I'm also not beating myself up about it, either. I'm just going to gently explore what's been happening and see if I can get things to shift a bit.

Previously, I introduced you to our amazing Women's PowerTypes™: the Queen, the Mother, the Warrioress, the Lover and the Sorceress. I explained who they are, their particular strengths and how they can help us in these challenging times.

I'd like to take a step back and look at the reasons we might need these archetypes in the first place: to start to shift out of bad habits or behaviour we no longer wish to carry on with. In my post a few months ago on Shouty Mummy Syndrome, I shared with you the value of Trigger Tracking and also explained some of the disempowering archetypes (or mindsets) that we can fall into when we're tired or stressed. I thought we would take a look at that again in a bit more depth.

Do you remember this triangle? It's often used to help professionals understand patterns of behaviour in toxic or abusive relationships. But these disempowering archetypes, as we call them at One of Many®, can also show up in us as individuals when we're stressed. They might come alongside the Superwoman or Anti-Superwoman, who is either working far too hard and keeping far too busy, or avoiding becoming too busy at all costs.

One of our first tools to help us understand this behaviour is Trigger Tracking. You can read more about it in the Shouty Mummy Syndrome post, but for convenience, it comes down to these key questions to ask yourself:

1. What exactly happened?

2. What was your 'bad' behaviour?

3. Which of the disempowering archetypes did you go into? (Bitch, Victim, Martyr, or Superwoman/Anti-Superwoman).

4. What was the trigger for that archetype?

5. How did you feel?

6. What was the impact on others?

Developing awareness of what triggers us can help us to respond better the next time that same triggers comes up (because it definitely will). But today I'd like to take a look at the emotions behind the behaviour and expand on our understanding of ourselves in these moments. So rather than just provide solutions (which are helpful, to be sure), I'd like to spend some time validating those feelings.

Let's look at what other behaviour each of these disempowering mindsets might lead us to. The 'Bitch' gets mad and shouts perhaps, but why? She is tired of everyone letting her down, not listening, not giving her space or respecting her boundaries, and she begins to blame. Maybe her anger escalates to the point where she's really out for blood, to punish others for their failures. This might have come from a build up over time, or it might be because she has been stressed about something else, such as being cooped up at home again. Only you know which is true for you, should you ever find yourself going into this type of behaviour.

Even though the 'Bitch' does not manage her anger effectively and ends up hurting others, there are valid feelings behind this. We're not looking to excuse that behaviour, but we're taking a moment from our Mother PowerType™ to say to this little part of ourselves, "of course you're angry. You are tired, hurt or stressed, and someone has crossed a boundary here. It was not okay that they did that. It is normal to feel angry in this situation, as anyone would." Then we can address that our behaviour was not acceptable either, and look for ways to respond differently. Self-love and compassion is crucial, because we know that the Inner Critic is likely to be not very far behind any 'bad' behaviour we demonstrate.

The 'Victim' feels intense shame. She has very little control over her life, as though life is happening to her. She struggles with boundaries and certainly does not feel she can stand up for herself. She might turn inward and begin to get depressed and/or anxious. Why? It could be that her Inner Critic is running the show most of the time. If that's the case, we have the tools to deal with that from the Mother and Queen PowerType™. There might be little get-up-and-go because of the Imposter Syndrome. In either case, both may stop us from trying for fear of failure or fear of rejection. So what we need to address here is the fear. So again from Mother PowerType™, we could say something like "of course you're afraid. Things have not always worked out/things have gone badly in the past/you've been hurt before."

There are many situations in which fear is a perfectly normal response, and there are other times where it comes from threats we perceive but which aren't actually there. Many of our fears develop from negative experiences of the past, whether that was getting bitten by a dog or constantly criticised and shamed by a parent. Again, self-love and compassion goes a long way. We cannot think our way out of these uncomfortable feelings, we must feel our way through.

Finally, the 'Martyr' feels that everything falls on her shoulders, or she wants to be seen that way. She bends over backwards for others, but becomes resentful about it. She could have quietly simmering anger, fear, guilt or general avoidance. She might just be bloody tired but keeps going because 'if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself' has become her belief. The 'Martyr' focuses on giving excuses rather than addressing her needs in a healthy way. What can we say to the 'Martyr' in a loving way to validate her feelings and help her to let go? Perhaps something like "of course you feel angry/afraid/guilty. Things have not gone well in the past and others have let you down." The care and validation needed depends on how your 'Marytr' is motivated, so awareness of the underlying emotion(s) is key.

With any of these disempowering archetypes, awareness as to why we felt a certain way followed by love and compassion for those feelings when we've been in this mindset for too long can help to start to shift us out. We're not excusing behaviour which hurt ourselves or others, but validating the feelings which led to the behaviour helps to release the discomfort.

If we have remained in one or more of these disempowering archetypes for too long, shifting out might take a bit more than Trigger Tracking alone. This is where Emotional Hygiene comes in. All of us--that's right, every single one of us--can get stuck into certain disempowering mindsets when we have not been able to properly address emotions we have experienced. Often, this comes due to a build up from the past. We need to clear out our emotions, and this is why at One of Many ® we are firm believers in embodiment. Our minds and bodies are connected, and our bodies can be key to releasing emotions which are just too overwhelming for our thinking brain.

First, we need to understand emotions and the purpose they serve. There are certain emotions which we have been taught to give a negative label such as anger, sadness, fear, guilt and shame. What if we label these differently and instead call them uncomfortable? They might feel unpleasant, but these emotions can actually be our allies. They're not 'good' or 'bad,' but they are just part of being human. They are vital because they act as our body's alarm system. It's our wonderful body's way of saying 'Hey! Pay attention! Something is going on here!'

• Anger often warns us that someone has crossed a boundary.

• Fear means that there is a threat coming, and we need to be prepared.

• Vulnerability means we need to be compassionate and caring to ourselves.

Sometimes, we overreact to a situation where we feel one of these uncomfortable emotions. It is usually for one of two reasons:

1. Our modern brains still react with the same fight, flight or freeze response which were designed to keep us safe when the world was far more dangerous for our ancestors.

2. A normal survival response can have us repress painful emotions into our unconscious so that we can cope. However, they remain stored in our bodies and will continue to re-surface in response to similar triggers until we can clear them out.

If you think about a significant event from your past and you still feel strong emotions about it, then it's likely you have not cleared out the feelings about the event. This can easily lead to becoming triggered and overreacting. Why is it so important to clear these emotions out?

• Suppressed anger can turn into depression.

• Suppressed fear can turn into chronic anxiety (also = stress).

• Suppressed emotions can contribute to a wide range of health conditions.

• Suppressed emotions stop us from functioning optimally in the present as we are often triggered into overreactions from the past.

We cannot change our painful past experiences, but we can change how we feel about it. The extent to which we feel uncomfortable about it, we're essentially doing to ourselves.

Sometimes, we can develop 'emotional allergies' because of unpleasant experiences from the past. It becomes an avoidance, trying to never feel that particular emotion again. For example, we might avoid relationships so that we don't get hurt or rejected. These 'emotional allergies' need to be released in a similar way that we deal with uncomfortable emotions. In order to heal from painful past events and stop restricting our future, we have to learn how to tolerate these uncomfortable emotions. It's not easy, but it can be done.

Once we have been able to clear the 'backlog' from the past, we can use our emotions in the present as an accurate navigational system responding to current events.

How do we 'clear' our emotions?

1. Become aware of uncomfortable emotions you feel often, as well as those you don't feel often.

2. Let the emotions out in a safe place:

• Move your body

• Scream into a pillow or towel

• Dance it out

• Meditate

• Use a PowerType release process (this is a coaching resource which we can do together)

These tools can be helpful to validate and clear out our emotions. But what about when everything just becomes too much, and our emotions overwhelm us? Here are some other tips for releasing emotions safely, adding on from the above:

• Do some vigorous exercise.

• Conscious breathing.

• Mindfulness: become aware of your emotions and watch them until they dissipate.

This is all about trial and error to find what works for you. No matter what, your feelings are valid. The more you are able to bring awareness and understanding to them, the more you can begin to rely on them to help you navigate life rather than having them rule over it.

Let me know in the comments what methods of release you've tried, and what results you had. We are all doing the best we can, and it's those little efforts that will see us through.

Love,

Christine El Issa