Why is everyone banging on about self-care?

Around 7 months ago, we were facing the beginning of the Covid-19 crisis. Remember that? Feels like 10 years ago, doesn't it? But yes, it was just that many months that we were hearing about it, starting to get worried, and wondering why (for those of us in the UK) our government leaders weren't taking swifter action when we saw what was happening in Italy and Spain. Then we had lockdown. Work from home if you could. Panic and realise what you were risking if you couldn't. Schools shut. Pubs, restaurants and cafes shut. Parents quickly trying to figure out how to work whilst educating their children at home. Not seeing grandparents and other extended family members. Events of every sort cancelled or moved to virtual.

I'm not sure about you, but for me, there was definitely a period where I would be ok for a few days, but then I would be hit by this massive wave of overwhelm in the face of the uncertainty and the frustration of the isolation. On and on the cycle went.

I'm an introvert by default, and I like to generally be at home. So I loved having an excuse not to get on a bus and go into the office for my 9-5 job. Working from home in my pj's all day? Sign me up! I loved not facing crowds of people in shops.

But what I realised is that it was more about being in "public" or especially crowds that I don't like. I did miss, and still do to some extent as we continue to be less social than before, being around people I care about in small groups or 1-1. I missed having a catch up with my school mum friends at our favourite coffee shop. I missed that solidarity as we chatted about the challenges of raising our kids, whinging about the government, or just talking about the latest news and having a laugh.

I also found it really stressful having my beloved daughter at home with me while I was trying to work. My 9-5 as a social worker got more stressful under lockdown and I had loads more responsibility thrown at me. My girl is really amazing and she can entertain herself for periods of time. But any 8-year-old was bound to get fed up at the lack of attention. She started to get bored really easily and that manifested in lashing out I'd never seen in her before. Screaming, throwing things, even taking a swing at me from time time. So my stress level just steadily increased, and managing her (making sure she ate properly, engaged with her virtual school work and didn't spend too many hours in front of the telly) became more of a challenge as time went on.

What really saved me was having access to a whole new tool kit as I'd entered the world of coaching and found One of Many ®. Before this crisis began, I had already started making radical shifts in the way I organise my life. Especially in terms of the way I take care of myself. I still have things to improve on, but it was my commitment to getting it right more often that really made the difference.

When we started adjusting to lockdown life, there was an outpouring of resources all over the place talking about self-care. I recognised this straight away as something we do in coaching. Simply put, you cannot give from an empty bucket. We have finite amounts of time and energy, and no human can meet all of the demands on our energy all of time.

For some reason, mothers in particular seem to forget this easily. Our kids always come first, right? It's no wonder we're always tired. It's no wonder we get snappish over little things. It's no wonder we start to question the decisions that led us to our current way of life. Hollywood sold us that dream of "happily ever after" when we were young, and we bought it. Hook, Line, and Sinker. No one ever explained the burden of the emotional labour that seems to always fall to women where there is a family to look after.

What we should have been taught is that life will always have challenges. There will be everyday frustrations and annoyances, and there will also be bigger challenges with pain and unimaginable grief and loss. None of us can avoid that. But what we can do is make different choices with the time and energy we're given.

I'd like to invite you to imagine with me for a moment. Imagine a world where all mothers look after themselves properly. I don't mean they leave their kids unattended while they go off to the spa (or the pub, for that matter). I'm simply talking about eating properly, drinking water and getting enough sleep. Spending a little bit of time being intellectually stimulated, spending a little bit of time connecting with other humans and a little bit of time staying grounded in whatever spiritual faith or belief reminds them that even on a molecular level, we're all connected. Doing all of this to get to "okay." Not experiencing pain, suffering or hardship. Imagine what that would do for their physical, emotional and spiritual energy and how that would positively impact all of the people around them.

I focused on mothers for a moment because of their tendency to over-extend themselves even when they don't need to, and because they're my primary client group. But now imagine that all women of the world did this. Imagine the positive impact in each and every one of those spheres of influence. Imagine the connectedness and sense of community as we each support one another to take a break when it's needed, and rely on each other when we need a break. Imagine the example that would set for the men in our lives. And then imagine that men start doing this, too. Imagine that Western value of individualism starting to melt away as we realise that our ancestors had it right when they did life in community. No one gets left behind. When someone stumbles, there is another person there to pick them up and support them until they've regained their strength.

We've strayed from that for the sake of capitalism and making money (or trying to make ends meet by earning money for someone else's pile of wealth). But we do have the power to shift this. I believe that it starts with looking after ourselves properly.

Dear one, I invite you to think on this: it is not selfish to look after yourself and to guard your energy. To say "no" when you're too busy to take on something else or to let someone down when you just don't have the energy. If you want to thrive in this life, you have got to KNOW yourself first. Understand your needs, and commit to making sure those needs are met. Stop trying to function on "empty" and instead make sure you are replenished. Once you are, you can accomplish anything.

In Glennon Doyle's book, Untamed, she says this:

We forgot how to know when we learned how to please. That is why we live hungry.

What she's saying here is in the context of knowing ourselves--our needs, our truth. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. It is page after page of utter brilliance.

So how do we make sure our needs are met? One of Many ® has a brilliant tool called the Needs Creed. This is a commitment you make to yourself, and even share with the family on the fridge, to make sure that your daily needs are met. You can write it however you want: a list, a pie chart, etc. but the main thing is to include 4 basic categories:

Physiological: Needs that get your physical body to "not unwell or in pain."

1. Sleep: how many hours to you need each night? Make sure you go to bed early enough to get those hours and do try to keep a routine where you can.

2. Food: type, frequency and amount--be specific!

3. Water: how much? Make sure you're drinking at least that minimum amount

4. Exercise: how much do you need to be at ok? Not losing weight or developing a six pack. Just to stay healthy and not stiff or in pain.

5. Anything else? (i.e. chronic pain management through osteopath, chiropractor, physiotherapist, massage, acupuncture, etc.)

Psychological: Needs that have you feeling free of stress or worry; looking after your mind.

1. How much alone time/down time do you need each day?

2. Maybe a regular mindfulness practice?

3. Listening to music

4. Doing something new every now and then; being challenged

Relational: Needs that help you feel connected to other people.

Note that this might involve setting boundaries to avoid or minimise time spent with people who drain your energy or who you know are "toxic."

1. Time with friends

2. Time with children

3. Time with key family members

Spiritual: Needs that help you feel connected to something bigger than yourself.

This is regardless of your faith, religion, belief or lack thereof. At One of Many ® we abbreviate this as "Source," whether you call that God, Allah, mother nature, your higher self, quantum physics, the universe or anything else. It could include:

1. Time in church, mosque, temple or nature

2. Daily prayer, journaling, meditation or gratitude practice

3. Practicing an art form

Understand how much and how often each of these needs should be met and then begin with a commitment to yourself that you will give attention to this. Only you know what is true for you, but I do invite you to keep your list to 10 items or less so that you set yourself up for a win. If your list gets too long, it's possible some desires have crept in rather than needs. Keep it as a fluid document which can be amended, because your needs change over time. For people who are cycling, your needs can change at different stages of your menstrual cycle (i.e. needing more sleep and even more calories from one week to another).

I've been thinking about how we are rapidly coming to the end of British Summer Time (what we call Daylight Savings Time in the States), and the days are getting shorter. With this coupled with possibly new restrictions due to Covid, I think now is better than ever to start getting more on top of this issue of self-care and meeting our own needs. So I'm holding a FREE workshop called Radical Self-Nurture over Zoom on Saturday 24th October from 10:30-12:00 London time. We'll explore what actually constitutes a need vs a desire and get you on track to developing your very own Needs Creed. Did I mention it's absolutely FREE?

Click here https://mosaiccoachinguk.wixsite.com/website/event-details/radical-self-nurture-workshop over to events page, or the front page to register your place. I'm feeling particularly generous because I really want as many people to have these tools in their hands as possible, so I'm offering a very special prize draw for those who refer a friend to this workshop.

If the friend you refer attends on the day, you will be entered for a chance to win a VIP day of coaching with me. It's a 5-6 hour deep dive of personal development and would normally cost £1000.

Someone is going to get this for FREE, just for inviting a friend to attend a free webinar. Will it be you? Go sign up now and invite your friends, because each referred attendee = one entry! I can't wait to see you there!

Love,

Christine El Issa